I think the most painful part of all of this is that I honestly feel like I wasted my time on drama. And yeah, it’s “just” high school, but still. I dedicated four fucking years of my life to that department. I don’t even want I think about how many hundreds of hours I’ve put into it. It may sound cheesy, but it definitely affected me. And when I think about how I could have put all that time and effort into something I wouldn’t have ended up hating halfway through, something which wouldn’t have alienated me so much from everyone, something where I would have met more people and had more fun, it jut hurts to think about.
It hurts a lot actually.
It’s almost surprising. Even though I’ve felt like this for two years now, it still comes as a bit of a surprise just how strongly I feel. Just how much I wish I could go back and keep myself from making a huge and terrible mistake.
But I guess it’s too late now. Nothing to do but try and move on and look to the future.
God I’m such a fucked up worthless disaster. I hate me I hate me I hate me. I don’t deserve anything. Well I deserve the shit I’ve dealt with. That I deserve a lot. Why couldn’t I just be normal?
Everything just kind of sucks right now and if I could I would definitely skip school tomorrow. Sadly that’s not an option. So instead I’m writing dumb tumblr posts about it all.
Can we talk about all the feelings I’m having?
Or rather, can we not? Because that stupid dumb terrible awful feelingoverload-inducing fic about those three idiots is something which has been on my mind way too often. It’s all just SO DUMB. I’m not even PMSing or anything; I’m just really feelings-heavy right now, and it kind of sucks, because I don’t know what to do with my feelings. I have no one to tell them about or anything, and they just kind of sit here inside of me and I get all overwhelmed and lost and confused and end up almost in tears over some fucking fic about some fucking boyband at 2am.
Which is just embarrassing, really.
And it’s all conflicting too. Like, I’m happy and sad and anxious and so so excited and absolutely fucking terrified and lost and confused and curious and confident and honestly just about every emotion out there. So part of me wants to cry all the time and the other part is just so happy.
That goddamn fic, though. It’s just really timely (or unfortunately timed, depending on how you look at it), and it’s exactly what was supposed to happen, what I thought was going to happen, what would have happened at another school. And that’s part of what makes it so painful, I think. It just hit me where it hurts the most at the worst possible time.
I’m ready for it to be six months from now, when all these feelings will be gone and things will have settled down.
I just don’t know anymore.
It’s so frustrating when I know I’ve had a good dream but I can’t remember it.
Sometimes I’ll see something or feel something and I’ll have a flashback to the dream that lasts for just a second, but that’s all. All I really know is that there was a pretty boy (of course) and it was in some other city.
There’s nothing I love more than when you don’t invite me…even though I am standing RIGHT THERE. Like RIGHT THERE. And you just act like I’m nonexistent! Love that.
I am so sick of this bullshit! At first I went through the whole moping thing (“Why would anyone like me anyway I’m just useless and ugly and fat and awkward and stupid and horrible I’m never going to find any real friends or anyone who actually likes me or anything walking into the middle of the road sounds nice right about now” etc.) and I needed it, but then I read that article, and I really needed that too. Like, I think there is hope. I’ll find people who are like me and who like me and it will be so much better than this. I can do this. I have to be able to do this. I’m going to take charge and do this and I will be okay.
Why is it that every time I open myself up to someone or something, I end up getting hurt? It just makes me want to shut everyone out and never open myself up again, but I know that’s a bad idea. Still, it would mean not having to feel one of the shittiest feelings in the world.